O Canada

Concrete proof that Canada is one of the coolest damn countries on the planet. ~Attila

Sith With Swedes

More soon...

82% of Canadians are Dorks

Or at least they support keeping the Queen as our head of state, according to a poll on the Globe and Mail's website.
Seriously, what the hell is the point of having a decrepit old European as our head of state? Are we so immature as a nation that we really need Grandma holding our hand every step of the way? I realize that the biggest argument for her is "It's tradition." but come on! Just because somthing is tradition doesn't make it worth keeping. Lots of shitty, shitty things have overstayed their welcome simply because they're tradition.
Here's a phrase for everyone that I think has a wonderful ring to it. The Republic of Canada. Doesn't that flow nicely?
Just imagine it if you can. Canada with it's own elected head of state. Nothing extravagant like in the US, but maybe a figurehead President. Real power would still rest with the prime minister and parliament, but our head of state would be an elected Canadian. Wouldn't that make everyone just a little bit prouder than having a former CBC television personality flying around representing an outdated and foolish British family?
82%! Eighty-two percent! Christ! What's wrong with this country? Let me put it this way people: How does having a British monarch on top encourage unity between French and English Canadians? Does anyone really thing that having a representative of the institution that conquered Quebec remain our head of state 138 years after Confederation makes Quebecers proud to be part of Canada?
Which leads me to wonder, how did the Queen escape our government policy of appeasing Quebec? Everything else that gets done in Canada is done to shut Quebec the hell up, so how come la Belle Province hasn't demanded that Lizzy get the boot yet?
Oh right, because they don't care enought about her to even bother whining about it! So I guess English and French Canadians do have one thing in common: None of us give a shite about the Queen. Not even the 82% of Globe readers that are dorks. I'm willing to bet that the only reason they support keeping her is that they don't support caring enough to waste any time getting rid of her.
I'd just like the Queen to know that there's at least one Canadian out there that cares deeply about her. And even more deeply about turfing her. God save the Queen alright.
FROM MY WRATH!
~Attila

What Now? Oh yeah, pot and gay marriage...

Consequences of Stephen Harper's actions:

1. Belinda Stronach is now a Liberal cabinet minister adored by almost every left leaning Canadian.
2. Paul Martin has, against all odds, regained some confidence and even charisma. Some.
3. Conservative party looks even more right wing and alien than ever before, with the added bonus that it is now seen as an ally of separatists.
4. We've pretty much forgotten about the sponsorship scandal, at least for now.
5. Peter Mackay looks like a kicked puppy. He'll be taken seriously again sometime around never.
6. Stephen Harper now looks childish, impatient, arrogant, and most importantly weak.
7. Odds that Conservatives will form a government any time soon? Down more than enough to make me happy.
Thanks Steve. Keep up the good work.
~Attila

Dark Side Not Sexy Afterall, Survey Says

Everyone who's ever been a Star Wars fan (a real one, no fakers who have only seen one or two) has had that thought that maybe, just maybe, the Dark Side is kind of sexy and cool. Darth Vader, oh so cool. Death Star that destroys entire planets? Also, kind of cool. Evil Emperor who offs people with blasts of purple lightning?
Doesn't get much cooler than that.
Man, oh man, how George Lucas has disavowed us all of that notion. For five feature films he let us sit back and wonder just which side we would choose if we ever had to. We all thought that there were good points to either side, and Lucas let us go on thinking that. Until last night.
Update for those who for some reason haven't seen Revenge of the Sith yet: Dark Side = Bad. Real bad. Oh so very, very bad. Nothing good will ever happen ever again bad. Ever.
At least not until A New Hope.
Ep. 3's main achievement as far as I'm concerned was to take Darth Vader from a cold, purely evil monster, and turn him into a hugely tragic figure. Of course this was known to some extent before, but never in such gut wrenching detail. I'll personally never be able to look at the original three in the same way again, which I guess was the whole point.
~Attila

Oh yes...

I love you, Belinda Stronach.
xoxo
~Attila

Movies in the Makin'

Tonight we came up with a brilliant idea. Beanypod bought herself a digital camera today that takes 30 second videos, so we're going to invest in numerous re-chargeable batteries and shoot our own short film. Now all we have to do is find something interesting to film.
Any minute now.
Mild controversy today when after being up for only four hours I sat down for lunch and ordered Japanese beer in front of my parents. Good times did not ensue as they were fully blocked by the passive aggressive wrath of Mom.
This could have lead to problems but I headed off the wrath by buying a belated mothers day gift. Dinner ended up ruined anyway, not by parental hostility but by spicy chicken. One mad dash later and dinner was gone but not forgotten. I'm sorry, but that's the way it happened.
Today's not a complete write off though. Bean and I got our hands on three tickets to the midnight showing of Episode III Wednesday night! So so excited.
Leaving off, it appears we're back to movie making. Jesus and Bean just made a short short film about spousal abuse. Surprisingly light and funny actually, I give it four stars.
****
~Attila

Viva la Revolución (aka Political Optimism)

Let's make a quick list shall we?

Georgia
Ukraine
Kyrgyzstan
Lebanon
Possibly Uzbekistan
And to a lesser extent, Ecuador.

And I've probably missed a few. In less than two years all of these countries have had, or are in the process of having, popular revolts against corrupt governments. I'm not sure what's gotten into people in these countries but let's have some more of it shall we?
Predictably, America claims to be influencing these changes through their oh so successful policy of spreading freedom and liberty around the world. (um, see Iraq.) Except in Uzbekistan where they the US gives ten million dollars a year to support a government that is renowned for it's widespread use of torture tactics. Including against terrorist suspects detained by the US, hence the generous monetary gifts.
Anti-government protests are even spreading through China, although you would never know it reading North American newspapers. Our local media outlets are more than happy to report on the anti-Japanese protests that are partially sponsored by the Chinese government, but for some reason are strangely silent about the growing dissent among the Chinese poor. I don't suppose it has anything to do with our ever increasing trade with China? Certainly not, that would be bias in favour of commercial interests, and that's something that would never happen in a fair and balanced media environment. Or so I'm told, I live in Canada so I can't really say for certain.
Take all these popular revolts around the world, add in the swing to the left that's gripping South America, and finally Dubya's inability to get co-operation out of a house and senate dominated by his own party, and I'm starting to feel down right optimistic about the state of world affairs. Further fuelling my optimism is my recent discovery that America does still have some news organizations that are willing to question much of what the US is up to. I highly recommend you check out the perspective given at The Nation.
On a personal note, I'd like to welcome myself back to Thought Processor after a hiatus that became much longer than expected. With any luck I'll be disseminating liberal propaganda on a regular basis from now on. I hope you enjoy and visit often. Don't forget, comments are always welcome.
~Attila

As I Grow Older, I Grow Wiser

Too bad what I'm learning is that 90% of life is tedium.
Man, I would almost trade jobs with a child labourer right now. At least I'd be working in a warmer climate. And the occasional whippings could be kinky.
I've never appreciated a Friday night as much as I do right now.
God help me, I am Dilbert. But sexier, and with a better name.
I guess I can live with that.
~Attila

Happy Hiatus!

Or happy end of a happy hiatus, whichever you prefer.
Nothing really earth shattering happened to inspire this blog, I just figured that if I left blogging any longer I'd lose the last of my faithful readers. And when you only start with one or two, you really can't afford to lose that many.
Lots of change in the new year so far. Changed some of my personal habits, which shall remain nameless, but have resulted in my losing a pound or two, so hooray for my belt. Lots of change at work, the most un-fun of which is my co-worker and best hick homey Crys has moved away. This would bring lots more sadness if she had moved any great distance. Fortunately she's only in Liverpool, which is an entertaining and bewildering destination at the best of times.
On the home front things are well. Bri and I haven't seen much of each other, but when we have it's been high quality fun as always. We watched a documentary on Amish people today, which sounds less than fun until I bring up the Amish drug dealers that got busted in the film. Yes, Amish drug dealers. Crystal Meth dealers in fact.
Apparently it happens. Who knew?
Big J and the Hell Hounds are excellent, as always. Well, mainly Big J is excellent, the hounds are cute but misbehaved as usual. Since I'm the only one with the heart, or lack thereof, to discipline them, I've earned myself the nickname of Corporal Punishment. Which would almost sound sexy, if it weren't in relation to pet puppies.
Big plans with the Big J this week include going to see Steve Zissou, and a miraculous second Friday night out in a row! This never happens, so I can only assume it will be fun. I really have no prior evidence to base this on, but can't imagine any night out being a bust. Last Friday brought a high degree of hilarity, cheesy dance music, and only a small hangover.
So here's to a successful reenactment, especially of the last part.
~Attila

New Curse

So last night, I mysteriously yelled 'Christ it!'
I think it was my response to writing a new blog.
More tomorrow.
~Attila

Smith, Wesson, and Fruit of the Loom

Once again, Walmart has provided me with one of the most unusual and unsettling experiences I’ve had in some time.
I hate to support Walmart but it was necessary to do some big box store shopping in order to finish up my Xmas capitalism blowout. After twenty minutes of pushing, shoving, and regretting my recent renouncing of cigarettes, I finally arrived at the cash register. No feeling of relief here, as the woman in line in front of me is holding a gun.
Now don’t panic, this woman was no robber. She had mom-perm like mad, and no self respecting armed robber would be caught dead with such a terrible ‘do. No this woman simply walked into the store, picked out the biggest, shiniest gun she could find, and bought it. For $59.95. Taxes in.
I’ve heard rumours of this sort of thing happening, mainly in gun happy USA. But here in Canada you can apparently arm yourself for less than the price of a more respectable perm than the one modeled by Shooty McHousewife. To make things even weirder the cashier took this all in stride and made jokes about being married to a hunter.
‘Har har har. My fat husband likes to shoot defenseless animals. He doesn’t even like deer meat, he just thinks they look better mounted on a wall. Har har har. By the way, I love your perm. Har har.’
And people wonder why I look shell shocked when I come home from the mall. I found out recently that the original inventor of the shopping centre was so depressed by what he had created, he moved to Europe to escape it. Turns out he hated cars and intended malls to be a social gathering place for pedestrians. Undoubtedly he’s buried under a parking lot somewhere. Stupid poetic injustice.
Xmas shopping did help me learn a valuable life lesson today. I cannot, under any circumstances, shop for underwear for myself when the men’s underwear department is filled with middle aged women buying tighty-whities for their sons and husbands. Sure I would look oh so fashionable in comparison as I picked out my somewhat stylish striped boxer-briefs, but I just couldn’t do it. Something about hordes of middle aged biddies knowing exactly what I’ve got on under my jeans makes me feel terribly vulnerable.
In retrospect, I should have camped out in the bra section. How fun would it be to snicker and point as they pick out their 68 double F’s? Turn about is fair play after all, but I probably would have been asked to leave after I’d laughed myself to tears.
~Attila

What's in Santa's sack? Testicular cancer.

Oh it’s hard to be a Jew at Christmas… But I bet it’s harder to be a recovering Christian at Christmas. As a former Christian now happily in remission I have no idea how to deal with the holidays. I couldn’t care less about the religious significance, and I’m disgusted by the blatant commercialism. Not that I won’t indulge, but that’s expected. It’s hard to sit around on Dec. 25th explaining why you didn’t buy anything for all the people who thought long and hard and still bought you a $10 gift certificate to Cotton Ginny.
Every time I see the hordes of acid wash jean wearing, donut eating, chain smoking, child dragging embodiments of all human misery running through the malls with rapidly melting credit cards I just want to scream. Why all the panic to find the perfect gift? Nobody is going to remember anyway. Anyone out there remember what you got last year from your parents or siblings or various far flung relatives? Of course not. What did you get them? Didn’t think so.
Christmas is not the most wonderful time of the year. It’s the one time of the year when people can feel good about verbally assaulting anyone who refuses to conform. Don’t like Christmas? Well then you’re a Scrooge. You’re a terrible human being who believes only in misery and hate. How dare you be allowed to live during the month of December? Cold hearted bastard. You’re as bad as that atheist vegetarian from work. She absolutely ruined my turkey dinner last year!
Not a Christian? Well that’s okay. We’re PC now. We respect your diverse beliefs and customs. But you’re still coming to my kid’s Christmas concert right? And you got my Christmas card in the mail didn’t you? Don’t forget you’re working Christmas this year too. I didn’t think you’d mind since you’re not Christian and all. I’ll be busy with all my Christmas dinners and parties, so thanks again for covering for me. Have fun!
And who decided that Christmas is a month long deal? (ordeal?) Some places drag out the decorations as soon as Halloween is over. Speaking of Halloween, that’s a holiday I can understand. Don’t like Halloween? Peachy. Turn off your lights, lock the door, and go out for dinner somewhere. If you’re lucky you won’t see a single trick or treater. And in case you make that fatal mistake of admitting in public that you don’t like October 31st? Big fucking deal. In fact, lots of people will agree with you. No ridicule or public condemnation, guaranteed!
So this is my plan for Christmas this year. I’ve devised a single, scripted response to deal with any Christmas related interaction. It goes like this:
Fuck off.
The real beauty is this works almost anywhere. Someone wishes you Merry Christmas? “Fuck off!” Carollers fa-la-la-la-laing at your door? “Fuck off!” Hot guy pulls you under the mistletoe for a little Christmas cheer?
Well, I guess that’s the exception to the rule. Merry Christmas!
(Fuck off!)
~Attila

The Colour Pink

Check out the lovely Joey's new blog!
Unsurprisingly, it's pink. Huh.
~Attila

Grammar Re-education Centre

Am I the only person who finds the automatic grammar check included with most current word processing programs really offensive? Let’s just imagine for a moment what the world would be like if everyone obeyed the rules indicated by the little green underlining. I’d be bored as shit! Canadian literature would be non-existent without colloquialisms and randomly inserted vulgarity. And sentence fragments? Love them. Lost without them.
I am fully aware that I do not write, or talk for that matter, in perfect grammatical form. I happen to enjoy not obeying all of the rules. In fact, I enjoy it when other writers bend the rules from time to time. If we all obeyed the little green lines then every blog hosted on this site would read like an instruction manual for a microwave or universal remote.
Now I’m worried that this feature is having an adverse effect on the quality of written material available today. Nobody in their right mind writes with a typewriter or a pen anymore, not if they’re writing something of any length. Is it possible that the computer grammar police are leading to books and magazines written in bland, colourless style? Like that utter piece of shite, 2 ‘The magazine for couples’. Absolutely nauseating, although I doubt WordPerfect is to blame for that helpless mess.
In order to improve on the quality of today’s reading materials, I’m asking all my faithful readers (I’m looking at you three!) to do two things. First, turn off the little green lines. Your grammar is just fine. And if it isn’t? Fuck it. Who really cares about grammar anyway? I’ll take artistic expression any day, thank you very much.
Second, make sure that your word program is set to the proper language! In a disgusting display of American imperialism (sorry, had to throw in a little propaganda) most word processing programs are set to American English for the default language. This results in writing atrocities like the words color, splendor, center, ad nauseum. Not only do these words when properly spelled get a little red line, they actually get replaced automatically! Try all you want, you will never write about the colourful splendour of the shopping centre ever again! (Not that you should, down with materialism and all. Again, sorry.)
And finally a few helpful suggestions. omitting capital letters is not cute omitting punctuation is annoying AND CAPS LOCK IS FOR EMERGENCIES ONLY. And pleaz, leav the spel cheker on. It’s their four a reson.
For homework, read my blog every day. Nine out of ten doctors agree that reading my blog prevents prostate cancer.*
~Attila


*Test subjects were women aged 12-14. Doctors may not be medical doctors.

The Comedy Stylings of a Bad President

Obviously I changed my mind re: the whole protest thing. How could I really miss out on one of the largest political protests Halifax has ever seen? And try as I might, I am still mightily offended by Bush, and it’s my democratic right (Remember those America? You had them once too) to show my frustration with his administration any way I can.
Besides, Barrington Street looks really fucking cool when you’re marching down the centre of it with 5000 other angry people. I can’t understand how my parents grew up in the 60’s and 70’s and have never gone to a demonstration of any kind. Obviously a terrible oversight on their part.
But on to the biggest news of the day. I saw Bush. I actually saw him and got to give him the finger. Not my most mature hour I’m sure, but I feel much better anyway. Despite feeling great and socially active and all, I’m very disappointed with some of my peers. One actually railed against protesting because she thought we should all be excited that a celebrity was coming to Halifax. Um, hello, this is your conscience calling? Remember me? Yeah well that ‘celebrity’ is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis, and lord knows how many Texans. (Down with capital punishment too while we’re in a protesting mood.)
Others were being ridiculous in more subtle ways. A surprising number of usually lucid people were actually impressed by Bush’s speech. He was so funny! Yeah he’s a fucking knee-slapper. Oh wait, no he’s a fucking fascist, that’s it.
Fascist is a word I hate to use. I think Dan Savage yelled at people for it once, telling them to keep it in reserve until we really need it. Well I’m sorry folks, but is anyone else out there worried that we might be headed in that direction? Let’s see, stirring up hate of minorities (me, etc.), declaring war on sovereign countries, stripping away civil liberties (hello ‘patriot’ act), and weakening the UN. Add in the fact that he’s a religious nutball and a big old fan of the death penalty and I actually feel pretty bad for Americans.
From the excerpts I heard of Bush’s speech it looks like he was going for folksy and down home charming, as usual. For a pretty folksy and down home province, I really don’t think Nova Scotia bought it for the most part. From what I hear he made jokes about PEI potatoes and Alberta beef. Since he’s doing nothing to stop the US ban on these two products, maybe he should just shut the fuck up rather than go for the polite chuckle. Or here’s an idea. Make some jokes about common sense, decency, and responsibility. Stick with the theme George, those have all been banned from the US for at least four years now.
Hilarious.

Indifference is Bliss

So George W. Bush is coming to Halifax. And I don’t care. I’m a little surprised at my reaction to this as I know I should be livid and marching through the streets. Honestly, I hardly feel anything one way or the other. I realize he’s a terrible president, and from most accounts not a very nice guy in general. I’m fully aware that he’s causing chaos in the middle east, helping to ruin the environment, and doing all he can to strip gay Americans of their meagre rights. I know that I stand for almost all he stands against, and vice versa. And yet I still don’t care that he’s coming.
Why? Because I’m tired. I’m so tired of him, of America, the whole bit. As a Canadian, I am fortunate enough to live in a relatively free, democratic country that for the most part respects my rights as a citizen. We have gay marriage, the Kyoto accord, the forthcoming de-criminalization of marijuana, and most importantly, our military isn’t occupying a formerly sovereign nation. Sure Canada has it’s problems and shortcomings, but we’re no America, not by a long shot.
And since we aren’t America, I feel justified in letting go of my rage against President Dubya. He’s the American president, so let the Americans worry about him. And the Iraqis of course, since he is the real President of Iraq for the time being and foreseeable future.
I hope that when Dubya arrives in quaint, friendly little Halifax he is greeted by an absolute horde of protesters. I hope that he has a miserable time here, and that Canadians’ abhorrence of current American policies gets broadcast around the globe. And I hope that nobody notices that I didn’t bother to go out to join the crowd.
I’ve said before that the only thing worse than hatred is indifference. At least when somebody hates you they still have very powerful feelings for you. I don’t hate Dubya, that would imply that I give the slightest bit of a damn about him. Frankly, he’s proven over and over again that he’s not worthy of my time. So when George W. Bush arrives in my city, I intend to give him the reception he deserves here and everywhere else in the world.
I’m going to ignore him, and wait patiently for him to go away.

Evil, Beans, and Evil Beans

Hilarity! Before work Bri and I sat down for some brief KITH watching, which as always was a very good time. More people would have the occasional good day if they only started it with Simon and Hecubus.
EVIL!
Such good times. Although I now know the ending of Presumed Innocent, not that I ever intend to watch it or know even the beginning or the middle. I’d post the ending here but I’ve already spoiled one movie this month. (It’s made of people!)
Anyway. Had a phone call from Haley the other day, which although once a daily occurrence has become a rare treat. School will do that though. Not that I go, god(s) forbid, but she’s approaching exams and has little time for socializing.
Crystal’s been away for a day or so too, so no word yet on the FUNeral. Lots of discussions going around lately about funerals. Oddly more about the inaccuracies in TV funeral portrayals. This is how it is on TV: Everyone hugs, everyone bonds, everyone reaffirms the joys of living, blah blah blah. Here’s how it really is: Everybody fights, everybody vents, everybody remembers why they only visit their relatives once a year. Most of them anyway.
But back to relatives I do enjoy. This morning, thanks to one such family member, is market time, much to my dismay. I’m so very, very tired, but will still go as I am a brother of the highest quality. And Bri is a sister of the vegetable needing variety. Personally, I don’t eat many vegetables. I don’t’ trust them. Something about broccoli just seems to say SINISTER real loud. Oh right, it’s the taste.
Speaking of sinister tastes, I tried baked beans for the first time this week. One question bean eaters of the world: What the fuck is wrong with your taste buds? Good lord but beans are the grossest thing known to man! And I’ve eaten bugs! (another story, another day) Taste, texture, smell, visuals, all wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. You know what tastes better than beans? My ass tastes better than beans!
Seriously, ask around.
~Attila

You're (not) Fired!

At least not today, or it doesn’t look that way yet. My god but I’ve had the worst 48 hours ever, at least as far as work is concerned. For a good day and a half there it really was looking like I had lost the hotel about $839.00 give or take a few nickels. As of last night though, barring any unfortunate disputes with Visa, it looks like I’m in the clear.
Which is great, since I’m one of the handful of people at my work who actually give a damn about their job performance. I’m not quite a perfectionist, certainly not in most other areas of my life, but with work I’m pretty fucking close. I do NOT like to fuck up. It doesn’t happen often, thank Jeebuz, but when it does it really pisses me off.
Which is weird, since this isn’t exactly my dream job or the career path I want to be in for the rest of my life. Still, it’s nice to know that I’ll still be gainfully employed for, oh let's say the next week.
Knock wood.
~Attila

The Horror!