Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Frank McKenna why?!?
Where's the angry New Brunswick prime minister of my dreams?
Seriously Frank, I'm not even a Liberal supporter, but you're still my number one choice for PM, hands down.
And you're not running for personal reasons?
Goddamnit Frank! Your country needs you and what are you doing? Settling down for a comfy retirement??
This will not do. It will not do AT ALL.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Stop worrying, you'll give the country wrinkles.

Let's start with a basic refresher of the facts:
1. I called the election results 2 months ago and, if I may say so, was pretty much bang on.
2. I don't like Harper, or the Conservative party. In fact, I violently oppose 95% of what they stand for.
3. No party should govern forever, and the Liberal defeat might be for the best.
Now I realize number 3 might sound like an endorsement for Harper's win, but it isn't. See number 2 if you need any reassurance.
I didn't want the Conservatives to win, but I didn't want the Liberals to win either. And yes I know, the NDP was not going to suddenly pick up an extra 100 or so seats. Out of the options we were given though, I think we made out okay. Yes, a right-wing douchebag is our new Prime Minister. But would you rather have Paul Martin leading us into another fragile minority Liberal government with ever declining popularity?
Most of you would I'm sure, but think about this for a minute. If we'd elected Paul Martin, he'd have continued his miserable job of leading a miserable party desperately in need of a vacation. That's what Harper's win is as far as I'm concerned; a Liberal vacation.
The party was stressed out, not thinking clearly, obviously tired, and in need of some serious downtime. If Paul Martin had won I guarantee you we'd have had another election in a year or less, and Harper would have won either a strong minority or even a small majority. Then where would we be?
Cold, boring, underpopulated, anti-gay, anti-abortion, anti-pot, anti-pretty-much-anything-that's-even-remotely-enjoyable.
Or maybe Iowa. Same thing either way.
Now, we've got a Harper minority that is as close to powerless as a Canadian government can get. Sure, he's got some significant powers as PM, but it's not as if he can actually, oh I don't know, pass a single bloody law without giving blowjobs to at least two other party leaders (or one party leader and an independent, either way not a pretty picture).
In case anyone has forgotten the next chapter in my prediction, here it is: Harper won't accomplish anything beyond frustrating most Canadians with his futile attempts to drag us back to 1950. By the time people are sick enough of him for the rest of the House of Commons to feel justified in bringing him down, the Liberals will have elected a new leader. Maybe, if we all wish real hard and keep our fingers and toes crossed, he'll actually have a sense of where this country wants to go, and maybe even of how to get us there.
Next thing you know, we've got another Liberal majority. I'd love to claim huge gains for the NDP somewhere in here, but I don't think this term will be good for them. They've got more members sure, but almost no influence.
Fortunately, they do have Olivia Chow. This is the perfect fix-all for Jack Layton. Now that he's got his wife by his side, he no longer looks like a sexual predator. Sorry Jack, personally I think you're kinda cute sometimes, but you do have a certain 'registered offender' look to you.
The moral of all this is simple: stop worrying. Seriously. Everyone I've talked to since January 23rd has been panicking their silly ass off.
Stop worrying. It's all going to be fine. Harper won't last, he won't accomplish much, what he does accomplish will probably actually be needed (senate reform, cleaning up government if that's possible), he won't outlaw gay marriage (better not, I'll see you in the streets if he does. Seriously Harper, DO NOT FUCK WITH MY CIVIL RIGHTS), he won't restrict abortion (good luck, pissed off women are a much worse enemy than any Liberal leader), and he won't change the fundamental leftiness of Canadian society.
So seriously Canada, stop worrying.