Can't Sleep, Guests'll Eat Me

Long bloody night, to be followed by a long bloody day. Having very few guests in the hotel is great in a peaceful, restful way, but it’s so dull. The nights drag on forever, but you still can’t nap even for a minute. Fortunately I’ve got something to look forward to as Crystal is cooking us bacon and eggs in the morning. Sweet.
I suppose I’d better get on with this. Any guesses on who emailed me tonight for the first time in, oh, about a year? Anyone? No? Alright then.
Chris the bloody ex-boyfriend! Just writing to chat and see what I was up to and let me know what he’s doing. You know, just catching up, la la la.
WHAT THE FUCK? Why on god’s green earth would he email me now? ‘Oh hi Chris, sure let’s catch up. I’m fine, family’s fine, oh you’re still an emotional black hole huh? Well that’s good.’
Goddamn! I wish it was possible to make ‘the point’ a tangible, physical object. That way you could mail it to people who remain perpetually clueless. Then you could call them up in a week and say ‘Hey, did you get The Point?’ and they’d say ‘Sure did! Guess I won’t bother trying to be all friendly like with you anymore, maybe I should just stay out of your way huh?’ And you could say ‘Yep, you really did get it. God bless you Canada Post.’
Foolishness! At the same time there’s an upside to this. From his update I’ve learned that he’s still single and probably lonely way up there in the buttfuck Arctic. I, on the other hand, can now email him back raving on about my great new relationship, my plans to go back to university, my upcoming move with Bri, etc. Of course I could take the high road and pass on all this information in a slightly less than insufferably smug way, but where’s the fun in that? As far as I’m concerned if somebody’s been a son of a bitch to you in the past, you’ve got every right to be one to them in the future.
Joey honey please disregard that last statement as it doesn’t apply to you. No matter how mean I once was that does NOT entitle you to stop being sweet and cooking me dinner and performing other niceties. I’m very sorry but there IS an exception to every rule, and you just happen to be it this time.
As I was saying, I’m a big fan of the forgive part, but definitely not of the forget. You simply cannot call, email, FedEx or smoke signal someone up out of the blue and pretend you’ve never been nothing but sugary sweet to them. Especially not if you’ve been, in the words of my favorite smashing singleton ‘A complete emotional fuckwit’.
My apologies to you Helen Fielding, but plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery.
~Attila