My Body is a (subtly widening) Temple

Today I made the viciously awful mistake of standing sideways in front of the mirror in my work uniform. From this experiment gone horribly awry I can deduce one fact:
I must loose weight. Now.
Not that I’m obsessive over my weight. I’m always a bit over what I probably should be, but I couldn’t care less. I’m much more comfortable when I’m a bit on the round side. I can’t imagine being skin and bones, I’d be sharp and jabby all over. None of this for me.
However, I’m now in immediate danger of having to become a nudist. That’s right, my body has reached critical mass as far as my wardrobe is concerned. This could not possibly come at a worse time as winter is fast approaching. Winter in Canada no less. Perhaps if I lived in California or Guatemala or the middle of the fucking Sahara this would not be such a problem. As things stand though, it appears I must take immediate action to avoid a frostbite crisis.
Aside from my poor diet and aversion to the gym and all activities that take place therein (locker rooms excluded, obviously), I can think of two factors that are clearly responsible for my sudden horizontal growth spurt.
Number one: Public Transportation.
Busses are far too convenient in cold weather. Ever since I started taking the bus to and from work my body has gone into blubber mode. In warmer times I walked at least an hour every day, now that fall and almost winter are here I now walk about twenty minutes a day. On a good day, maybe thirty. No good can come from this, as my straining belt can attest.
Number two: Joey.
Single people are invariably more weight conscious than people with significant others. One has to maintain a healthy, pleasing body shape in order to land a partner/date/one night stand/fuck buddy. Now that I’ve got all of the above (role playing is fun!) I’ve let myself go without even noticing. Joey, lovely boy that he is (and he really is very, very lovely) will never mention this as long as I am able to fit through the door to his apartment.
While I am in no danger of needing the jaws of life to get out of any doorframes, I’ve decided to take action now in order to avoid that fate. This means I must now endure, with regularity, trips to that voluntary torture chamber we call the gym. I am not happy about this, but I am resigned to it. Not to worry though, I find weight loss progress blogs tasteless and overdone, suitable only for guests of the Dr. Phil show. I will, however, post occasional updates provided I make positive progress. If in two months time I can’t fit through standard doorframes, most of you shall never know.
And if ANYONE writes a comment suggesting the Atkins/Southbeach/Hollywood-Starvation diets, I will personally hunt them down and suffocate them with my flub.
Here’s to feeling the burn, but not while peeing.
~Attila